selfie

Let’s Talk About Sex(ting)…

Sexting. That magical time in a person’s life where you share intimate details with the entire iphone cloud (and if you’re in high school, don’t sext EVER. Never ever ever ever ever).

But just like the real thing, some guys are great at it, and others are, well, douchebags.

Miserable fail. Even if he's trying to be funny, it's not funny. Don't be this guy.

Miserable fail. Even if he’s trying to be funny, it’s not funny. Don’t be this guy.

Don’t be that guy.

Lesson of the day: Light Humor + Sincere Compliments = Happy Lady

Think about the woman you’re trying to sext. Unless she’s your POA, you think she’s pretty awesome, right? Chances are, at least 10 other guys have thought the same thing, and ALL OF THEM have tried to get her to send a naked selfie. Your job is to be different from the run of the mill, “Send me a pic” that she hears from everyone else. You’ll be different from them if you make her FEEL (emotionally! get your head out of the gutter) better than they did.

For starters, here is a short list of all the things women think when they get the inevitable, “Send me a pic,” “Send me something naughty,” “I wanna see your body,” “Pic,” “Show me more,” etc etc etc:

 

“Omg, is he serious right now?”

“Is he joking? Why did he think this was ok?”

“Uh….wow. I kinda like this. But I don’t know what to say!”

“Oh. My. God. He likes/loves me. I just know it”

“Gross. This guy is so annoying, why am I texting back right now? Whyyyyy?”

“What if he’s showing this conversation to his friends? What if he posts it on facebook or twitter?”

“If I sent him a pic, would he save it for blackmail? Is this smart? I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t be taking pictures”

“Hmmm. He is so hot! Play on playa. Let’s see what happens now…”

EVERY woman thinks this. Trust me.

EVERY woman thinks this. Trust me.

 

Pretty much my reaction every time.

Pretty much my reaction every time.

 Remember, be different. HUMOR + SINCERE COMPLIMENTS = HAPPY LADY

Here are some examples of excellent sexts or almost sexts:

Humor + Compliments = Happy Lady. I love this so much for a million reasons.

Humor + Compliments = Happy Lady. I love this so much for a million reasons.

Yup.

Yup.

yup. yup.

yup. yup.

very cute

very cute

If you’re stuck for what to say, use these as a guide. And the compliment part? If I need to explain this to you, you’re already a douchebag.

To make the best impression, use what God gave you…

…your brain.

 

And don’t be a douche.

 

Shut The Hell Up

Women WANT to like you! Women WANT to be all up on you! Stop saying douchey things! Stoppppp it

Honestly, there’s nothing worse than when a woman is really into a guy, and he fucks it up for doing and saying a variety of douchebag things.

For example:

1. Constantly talking about yourself. Why??? Why would you do that? You know women love to talk about themselves! The easiest way to get a chick to like you is to ask her questions (without being annoying) and LISTEN to her answers.

Which brings me to the second thing…

2. The only thing worse than a guy who only talks about himself and doesn’t ask any questions, is a guy who asks too many questions. Dude, if she’s not making eye contact and she’s giving you one or two word answers, or being very vague about explaining things, leave her alone. She’s not interested. In this situation, it’s better to say something funny and THEN lead to asking a question.

3. Stop talking about how drunk you got last weekend

4. Stop talking about that chick you banged

5. Stop talking about your gym workouts

6. Stop talking about how important you are

Here’s a clue: Watch the fucking news. Scroll through the Vine or Twitter or Tumblr or Reddit or YouTube or The Chive or anything that will give you something funny or interesting to comment on.

That’s about it. I witnessed wayyyy too many self-important douchebags this weekend to let this one slide. Thank you in advance.

Lesson 3: Don’t Take Selfies…

…So Seriously!

photo-3

Ahhh Yesssssss, this is so much better than duck face!

Or better yet, just don’t take them at all, period.

I know, I know, that’s not very practical, given the, “Look at me, look how cool I am, look how awesome my life is while I’m taking this selfie” culture, so to remedy any potential confusion about how to NOT be a douchebag when taking a selfie, here is the cardinal selfie rule and lesson of the day:

Don’t take mirror pics!

Look how cool my jacket is! It's leather, btw.  Not sure if you noticed that or not. And you know, only really, really cool dudes wear leather. Nevermind that I bought this at H&M because I look super cool and tough.

Look how cool my jacket is! It’s leather, btw. Not sure if you noticed that or not. And you know, only really, really cool dudes wear leather. Nevermind that I bought this at H&M– I look super cool and tough. The girls won’t know the difference between me and Gosling.

If a girl is asks you to send them a picture, you have a few options that won’t leave you looking like this douche:

His face really does look like an angry bird

Hey girl.

1) Take a picture of something you’re doing.  She’ll stop asking for pictures and will start asking other questions like, Who are you with? What are you doing? Where is that?  The questions might be annoying but it saves you from looking like a douche. You don’t want that douchey picture floating around in the iphone cloud for God knows how long.

2) Take a selfie while making a weird face.

Thank you for not being douchebags

Thank you for not being douchebags

See? I know there are 3 people in this picture, so technically it’s not a selfie, but you get the idea.  See how they’re purposely looking ridiculous?  You will avoid looking like a douche if you purposely poke fun at yourself for taking a selfie.

3) Don’t do duckface. Like, ever.

4) If you’re both sexting and you HAVE to send some type of picture, DON’T put your face in the photo! You don’t want to end up on my blog when she makes it public domain!

5) If you’ve been taking selfies in mirrors since middle school, chances are, it’s too late for you, my friend.  You were raised on mirror douchebag selfies and you’re probably never going to change.  Therefore, if you MUST commit the mirror sin, do it like a champ:

Your Mona Lisa smirk, combined with total outright ridiculousness  saved you from being a douche. Congrats my friend.

Your Mona Lisa smirk, combined with total outright ridiculousness saved you from being a douche. Congrats.

 

HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT: There are exceptions to every rule. Can you think of some mirror selfie exceptions?