dating advice

The Worst Date EVER

Uh huh. He knows what's up...

Uh huh. He knows what’s up…

Hola people,

I was driving home from work this past Friday, when I witnessed an event that infuriated me to the point of slamming on brakes and yelling obscenities at the offending douchebag.

The douche was clearly picking up a girl for a date, and he DIDN’T OPEN HER DOOR.

Why is this so offensive, you ask? It was offensive because it’s RUDE and LAZY, and because he looked smug and cocky climbing into his 3-series.

Yes, I realize this is 2014–otherwise known as post-1950s-era–but there is absolutely no excuse for this behavior in a state that prides itself on being southern. It’s Texas, for crying out loud.

I just…oh man, it really just perplexes me. Gents, you want to get laid, right? You want your women to brag to their friends about how awesome you are, right? Why the hell would you not open her door when you pick her up for a date? I’m not asking you to open her door everywhere, all the time. I’m just asking that you at least open the door when you get into the car for the first time. Not doing so is kinda like not shaking hands in a job interview, or not sending a thank-you note for a graduation gift, or eating with your mouth full, or saying “fuck” over and over in front of your girlfriend’s parents for the first time. These are things that no one really wants to do, but you do them, like it or not.

And if you have a woman who gets upset and says a version of, “I can open this myself!” when/if you try to be chivalrous, be your most calm, confident self and say, “I know you can, but I wanted to open it for you anyway.” If you look her in the eyes and say this WHILE  she huffs and puffs, you’re golden. If she still bitches, call me and I’ll set you up with someone who isn’t so goddamned uptight.

In conclusion, I’m asking–no, begging– all men of the world to please not be like that guy who didn’t open his date’s door. Don’t be a douche.

Advice From George Clooney

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George Clooney is the ultimate gentleman. He’s talented, charismatic, impeccably dressed, and quite frankly, he gives a shit.  He gives a shit about his craft, his relationships, politics, and helping others. Giving a shit is a rarity in today’s “me” culture of endless selfies and picture posting. Why, then, has Clooney–one of the most famous people in the world–proven, over time, to be less self-centered than today’s average social media douche? Seriously, have you ever listened to his interviews? When he’s not telling interesting stories about OTHER PEOPLE in his life, he always deflects the conversation away from himself and onto speaking for his causes. I’ll even go out on a limb to say that’s probably why he’s been so popular with the ladies. Believe me, it’s not just because he’s rich and famous and handsome. There are plenty of rich and famous and handsome men who’ve failed to garner the level of admiration as Mr. George Clooney. I’m telling you, it’s because he gives a shit. It’s because he doesn’t seem arrogant. It’s because he’s interested in things other than himself. He seems like he’d want to listen to your story, ask you questions, buy you a beer, be the first to shake your hand. He’s interesting. And interesting stands the test of time.

Let’s all take a minute to study some worthy advice from George Clooney:

“You never really learn much from hearing yourself talk.”

“My life isn’t focused on results. My life is really focused on the process of doing all the things I’m doing, from work to relationships to friendships to charitable work.”

“On Christmas morning, before we could open our Christmas presents, we would go to this stranger’s home and bring them presents. I remember helping clean the house up and putting up a tree. My father believed that you have a responsibility to look after everyone else.”

“I’ve walked with very famous people down red carpets over to the crowd of thousands of people, and you’ll reach out to shake their hand and they’ve got a camera in their hand. And they don’t even get their hand out, because they’re recording the whole time.”

“I’m the least metrosexual cat you’ve ever met. I’ve never had my fingernails or toenails done, and I’ve cut my own hair longer than other people have cut my hair.”

“I probably wouldn’t be a good spokesman for an electric car, because I’ll still get on a private jet, and one flight on a private jet undoes all my electric-car good deeds.”

“I’m the old-fashioned type who prefers to meet a woman in a more normal setting. I don’t like to feel that I’m being hunted down. I’ve always liked to do my own hunting when it comes to meeting women.”

“I do happen to have a good life… But I also like to work. I feel like I got the brass ring and I got very lucky in this.”

“I enjoy going on motorcycle trips and stopping in small towns and enjoying drinks with the locals.”

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Learn from him, please. Don’t be a douche.

Let’s Talk About Sex(ting)…

Sexting. That magical time in a person’s life where you share intimate details with the entire iphone cloud (and if you’re in high school, don’t sext EVER. Never ever ever ever ever).

But just like the real thing, some guys are great at it, and others are, well, douchebags.

Miserable fail. Even if he's trying to be funny, it's not funny. Don't be this guy.

Miserable fail. Even if he’s trying to be funny, it’s not funny. Don’t be this guy.

Don’t be that guy.

Lesson of the day: Light Humor + Sincere Compliments = Happy Lady

Think about the woman you’re trying to sext. Unless she’s your POA, you think she’s pretty awesome, right? Chances are, at least 10 other guys have thought the same thing, and ALL OF THEM have tried to get her to send a naked selfie. Your job is to be different from the run of the mill, “Send me a pic” that she hears from everyone else. You’ll be different from them if you make her FEEL (emotionally! get your head out of the gutter) better than they did.

For starters, here is a short list of all the things women think when they get the inevitable, “Send me a pic,” “Send me something naughty,” “I wanna see your body,” “Pic,” “Show me more,” etc etc etc:

 

“Omg, is he serious right now?”

“Is he joking? Why did he think this was ok?”

“Uh….wow. I kinda like this. But I don’t know what to say!”

“Oh. My. God. He likes/loves me. I just know it”

“Gross. This guy is so annoying, why am I texting back right now? Whyyyyy?”

“What if he’s showing this conversation to his friends? What if he posts it on facebook or twitter?”

“If I sent him a pic, would he save it for blackmail? Is this smart? I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t be taking pictures”

“Hmmm. He is so hot! Play on playa. Let’s see what happens now…”

EVERY woman thinks this. Trust me.

EVERY woman thinks this. Trust me.

 

Pretty much my reaction every time.

Pretty much my reaction every time.

 Remember, be different. HUMOR + SINCERE COMPLIMENTS = HAPPY LADY

Here are some examples of excellent sexts or almost sexts:

Humor + Compliments = Happy Lady. I love this so much for a million reasons.

Humor + Compliments = Happy Lady. I love this so much for a million reasons.

Yup.

Yup.

yup. yup.

yup. yup.

very cute

very cute

If you’re stuck for what to say, use these as a guide. And the compliment part? If I need to explain this to you, you’re already a douchebag.

To make the best impression, use what God gave you…

…your brain.

 

And don’t be a douche.

 

Shut The Hell Up

Women WANT to like you! Women WANT to be all up on you! Stop saying douchey things! Stoppppp it

Honestly, there’s nothing worse than when a woman is really into a guy, and he fucks it up for doing and saying a variety of douchebag things.

For example:

1. Constantly talking about yourself. Why??? Why would you do that? You know women love to talk about themselves! The easiest way to get a chick to like you is to ask her questions (without being annoying) and LISTEN to her answers.

Which brings me to the second thing…

2. The only thing worse than a guy who only talks about himself and doesn’t ask any questions, is a guy who asks too many questions. Dude, if she’s not making eye contact and she’s giving you one or two word answers, or being very vague about explaining things, leave her alone. She’s not interested. In this situation, it’s better to say something funny and THEN lead to asking a question.

3. Stop talking about how drunk you got last weekend

4. Stop talking about that chick you banged

5. Stop talking about your gym workouts

6. Stop talking about how important you are

Here’s a clue: Watch the fucking news. Scroll through the Vine or Twitter or Tumblr or Reddit or YouTube or The Chive or anything that will give you something funny or interesting to comment on.

That’s about it. I witnessed wayyyy too many self-important douchebags this weekend to let this one slide. Thank you in advance.

Earn More Confidence

Dilemma: You want to look like Bradley Cooper, but you don’t, and never will.  You want to be richer, smarter, leaner, etc.  Therefore, you shy away from taking chances at work, and feel somewhat inadequate with women.  Sound familiar?

The good news is women don’t care as much about looks and money as you think. What they DO care about is confidence.

$20 says he has major swag

$20 says he has major swag

She was already rich...didn't need his money.

She was already rich…didn’t need his money.

Before Brad, there was Billy Bob. Dude has major confidence.

Before Brad, there was Billy Bob. Dude has major confidence.

This model could have any famous guy.  He has what you could have, too...

This model could have any famous guy. He has what you could have, too…

Confidence is a state of mind, and you EARN confidence by making small but significant changes in your life.

Building confidence starts with improving yourself:

Step 1: Do 20 push-ups every morning, immediately after getting out of bed. Then, do 50 sit-ups. Do this DAILY, even if you already workout.

Step 2: Learn something new each day. This can be anything—read the news, watch a documentary, visit a museum, research turtles or penguins or sharks…it doesn’t matter…just learn something!  If you devote half the time you spend on facebook to learning new, interesting things about the world, your knowledge will increase exponentially.

Step 3: Save more money. If you can’t save more money with your current income, get creative with other (legal and ethical) ways to make extra cash outside your main job.  There are all types of ways to make money from home: sell items on craigslist/ebay, work on Amazon mechanical turks, start a successful blog. You can even go old school with a side business—mow lawns on the weekends or even have a lemonade stand:)

Step 4: Become more spiritually active.  Even the most avid atheists can enjoy spiritual peace.  Celebrate whatever higher power you believe in, even if it’s mother earth.  Appreciate the color of the sky, the magnificence of the stars, the wonder of the oceans. Be aware of the world you live in, and be grateful. Your time is limited, after all.

 

Resources I love:

For Fitness and Health:

http://www.crossfit.com/  http://www.mensfitness.com/training/workout-routines  http://thepaleodiet.com/ http://www.fatsickandnearlydead.com/

For Wealth:

http://100startup.com/   http://thesecret.tv/   http://financialmentor.com/wealth-building/how-to-build-wealth/7699  https://www.mturk.com/mturk/welcome  http://www.retailmenot.com

For Peace of Mind and Knowledge:

http://tatfoundation.org/best_spiritual_sites.htm  http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/15-steps-to-cultivate-lifelong-learning.html   http://www.arthistory.net/  http://www.davincilife.com/

Learn it. Live it.

Lesson 7: Don’t Hit on Girls at the Gym…

Unless you read this first.

I know you’re excited to hit the weights after all the holiday eating and drinking, but let’s keep the testosterone in check with what women want/don’t want in the way of attention at the gym.

(Here’s a hint: They don’t want you to be a douchebag)

Yes, every woman is thinking this.

Yes, every woman is thinking this.

Hey, it’s ok…

  1. To look. And by “look,” I mean, maybe a glance or two. Let her know you’ve noticed her, but don’t linger for more than 1 or 2 seconds, and PLEASE, for the love of God, DO NOT look at her while you’re doing bicep curls, grunting, or making noises of any kind. And you’d better not be wearing a douchey tank or wife beater. No.
  2. To give a compliment. Ideally, you want to say something like, “I like your shoes!” if she’s sporting some new neon green nikes, because A) she loves those shoes, too, and B) hearing a guy say, “I like your shoes” (with a smile on his face), makes a woman feel noticed without feeling like a piece of meat. AND, it saves you both potential embarrassment from other gym-goers listening to your conversation. If she’s at all interested, she will give you cues that she’s ok with talking a little longer.
  3. To chat A LITTLE. Ok…you told her you like her shoes. She smiled, tossed her hair, and said, “Thank you!” enthusiastically. Your turn. Keep it short and sweet.  Smile and say something like, “ I don’t think I could get away with wearing them,” or,  “You look a lot better in them than I would,” or, “I have the same pair at home (wink wink),” then let the convo continue for another 10 seconds, if you’re lucky.

    Nice going, dude.  Just don't outstay your welcome.

    Nice going, dude. Just don’t outstay your welcome.

It’s NOT ok…

1.  To gawk. Especially when she’s on the inner thigh machine.

2. To say creepy things…especially when she’s on the inner thigh machine.

3. To ignore “please leave me alone” signals. ESPECIALLY when she’s on the inner thigh machine.

Catch my drift? Leave women alone while they’re using machines or weights.

Learn it. Live it.

Learn it. Live it.

What a douche. Don't be that guy.

What a douche. Don’t be that guy.

Use common sense. Don’t be a douche at the gym.

Lesson 3: Don’t Take Selfies…

…So Seriously!

photo-3

Ahhh Yesssssss, this is so much better than duck face!

Or better yet, just don’t take them at all, period.

I know, I know, that’s not very practical, given the, “Look at me, look how cool I am, look how awesome my life is while I’m taking this selfie” culture, so to remedy any potential confusion about how to NOT be a douchebag when taking a selfie, here is the cardinal selfie rule and lesson of the day:

Don’t take mirror pics!

Look how cool my jacket is! It's leather, btw.  Not sure if you noticed that or not. And you know, only really, really cool dudes wear leather. Nevermind that I bought this at H&M because I look super cool and tough.

Look how cool my jacket is! It’s leather, btw. Not sure if you noticed that or not. And you know, only really, really cool dudes wear leather. Nevermind that I bought this at H&M– I look super cool and tough. The girls won’t know the difference between me and Gosling.

If a girl is asks you to send them a picture, you have a few options that won’t leave you looking like this douche:

His face really does look like an angry bird

Hey girl.

1) Take a picture of something you’re doing.  She’ll stop asking for pictures and will start asking other questions like, Who are you with? What are you doing? Where is that?  The questions might be annoying but it saves you from looking like a douche. You don’t want that douchey picture floating around in the iphone cloud for God knows how long.

2) Take a selfie while making a weird face.

Thank you for not being douchebags

Thank you for not being douchebags

See? I know there are 3 people in this picture, so technically it’s not a selfie, but you get the idea.  See how they’re purposely looking ridiculous?  You will avoid looking like a douche if you purposely poke fun at yourself for taking a selfie.

3) Don’t do duckface. Like, ever.

4) If you’re both sexting and you HAVE to send some type of picture, DON’T put your face in the photo! You don’t want to end up on my blog when she makes it public domain!

5) If you’ve been taking selfies in mirrors since middle school, chances are, it’s too late for you, my friend.  You were raised on mirror douchebag selfies and you’re probably never going to change.  Therefore, if you MUST commit the mirror sin, do it like a champ:

Your Mona Lisa smirk, combined with total outright ridiculousness  saved you from being a douche. Congrats my friend.

Your Mona Lisa smirk, combined with total outright ridiculousness saved you from being a douche. Congrats.

 

HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT: There are exceptions to every rule. Can you think of some mirror selfie exceptions?