clothing

Let’s Talk About Sex(ting)…

Sexting. That magical time in a person’s life where you share intimate details with the entire iphone cloud (and if you’re in high school, don’t sext EVER. Never ever ever ever ever).

But just like the real thing, some guys are great at it, and others are, well, douchebags.

Miserable fail. Even if he's trying to be funny, it's not funny. Don't be this guy.

Miserable fail. Even if he’s trying to be funny, it’s not funny. Don’t be this guy.

Don’t be that guy.

Lesson of the day: Light Humor + Sincere Compliments = Happy Lady

Think about the woman you’re trying to sext. Unless she’s your POA, you think she’s pretty awesome, right? Chances are, at least 10 other guys have thought the same thing, and ALL OF THEM have tried to get her to send a naked selfie. Your job is to be different from the run of the mill, “Send me a pic” that she hears from everyone else. You’ll be different from them if you make her FEEL (emotionally! get your head out of the gutter) better than they did.

For starters, here is a short list of all the things women think when they get the inevitable, “Send me a pic,” “Send me something naughty,” “I wanna see your body,” “Pic,” “Show me more,” etc etc etc:

 

“Omg, is he serious right now?”

“Is he joking? Why did he think this was ok?”

“Uh….wow. I kinda like this. But I don’t know what to say!”

“Oh. My. God. He likes/loves me. I just know it”

“Gross. This guy is so annoying, why am I texting back right now? Whyyyyy?”

“What if he’s showing this conversation to his friends? What if he posts it on facebook or twitter?”

“If I sent him a pic, would he save it for blackmail? Is this smart? I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t be taking pictures”

“Hmmm. He is so hot! Play on playa. Let’s see what happens now…”

EVERY woman thinks this. Trust me.

EVERY woman thinks this. Trust me.

 

Pretty much my reaction every time.

Pretty much my reaction every time.

 Remember, be different. HUMOR + SINCERE COMPLIMENTS = HAPPY LADY

Here are some examples of excellent sexts or almost sexts:

Humor + Compliments = Happy Lady. I love this so much for a million reasons.

Humor + Compliments = Happy Lady. I love this so much for a million reasons.

Yup.

Yup.

yup. yup.

yup. yup.

very cute

very cute

If you’re stuck for what to say, use these as a guide. And the compliment part? If I need to explain this to you, you’re already a douchebag.

To make the best impression, use what God gave you…

…your brain.

 

And don’t be a douche.

 

Shut The Hell Up

Women WANT to like you! Women WANT to be all up on you! Stop saying douchey things! Stoppppp it

Honestly, there’s nothing worse than when a woman is really into a guy, and he fucks it up for doing and saying a variety of douchebag things.

For example:

1. Constantly talking about yourself. Why??? Why would you do that? You know women love to talk about themselves! The easiest way to get a chick to like you is to ask her questions (without being annoying) and LISTEN to her answers.

Which brings me to the second thing…

2. The only thing worse than a guy who only talks about himself and doesn’t ask any questions, is a guy who asks too many questions. Dude, if she’s not making eye contact and she’s giving you one or two word answers, or being very vague about explaining things, leave her alone. She’s not interested. In this situation, it’s better to say something funny and THEN lead to asking a question.

3. Stop talking about how drunk you got last weekend

4. Stop talking about that chick you banged

5. Stop talking about your gym workouts

6. Stop talking about how important you are

Here’s a clue: Watch the fucking news. Scroll through the Vine or Twitter or Tumblr or Reddit or YouTube or The Chive or anything that will give you something funny or interesting to comment on.

That’s about it. I witnessed wayyyy too many self-important douchebags this weekend to let this one slide. Thank you in advance.

Lesson 6: Don’t Air Your Dirty Laundry

On Facebook. On Twitter. On Instagram. On Anything-gram.

Just don’t.

Feeding people's egos since 2004

Feeding people’s egos since 2004

If you want a diary, start a journal.  If you feel the need for everyone in the WORLD to read that journal, start a blog.

If you want people to read that blog, don’t be such a wet blanket. 

Oh lord.

I can’t decide if I’m more annoyed with the obnoxiousness of this post, or the fact that she spelled “worst” wrong. Bless her heart.

You know who I’m talking about. You probably have at least 10 of these douchebags in mind. If you’re completely lost, YOU might be part of the problem (or, it could be that you’re not on social media, in which case, I tip my hat to you, friend).

Gut check

Gut check

Take a lesson in humility.

Or, a lesson from me.

Or, a lesson from ANYONE…I really don’t care…

 Just don’t be a douche.

Lesson 1: Wear Clothes That Fit

If you’re a straight man, the only acceptable reason to wear clothes that are entirely too tight are:

1) Your day revolves around gym, tan, laundry.  And you only get that pass because of regional differences. New Jersey always gets a pass. They can’t help it.

2) You’re from Europe.

3) You’re some type of sports star

4) You’re poor and can’t afford new clothes.  But I’d better not catch you buying beer or cigarettes, because that $10 could go towards some decent jeans. Or sweatpants. Hell, anything is better than this:

If you're a straight man, please don't wear this.

If you’re a straight man, please don’t wear this.

Please, Please don't wear jeans this tight

Please, Please don’t wear jeans this tight

If I can see the outline of your junk, unless you are Ryan Gosling portraying a douchey hipster in a movie, please don't wear this.

If I can see the outline of your junk, unless you are Ryan Gosling portraying a douchey hipster in a movie, please don’t wear this.

Homework assignment: Have a, “Get rid of douchey pants” party with your friends. Drink beer (if you’re 21 or older, of course) and try on every pair of pants you own, and if you can’t sit or squat easily, bring them to goodwill for the hipsters to fight over. Be better than those pants.