Lesson 4: Learn How To F#&*ing Tip

Seriously? SERIOUSLY? How bout, if the economy is so bad right now, STAY HOME.

Seriously? SERIOUSLY? How bout, if the economy is so bad right now, STAY HOME.

Learn how to tip at a restaurant. Please. As a former server, I’m begging you. Because, the only thing worse than a douchebag is a douchebag who doesn’t tip well.  Or maybe a douchebag who doesn’t tip well and therefore contracts some nasty virus from a pissed off waitress who coughs in his food…

Yeah, you'd better stay away.

Yeah sick-o douche.  Keep your bird flu away from me.

Lesson of the day: Calculating the standard 20% tip in 2 easy steps

This is an example of a douchebag tip:

Douche tip

There are so many things wrong with this.  First, the douche used the brainpower to figure what would be needed to make the total $75, instead of using the same brainpower to figure a proper tip. $5.85 is less than 10%!!!! Second, the numbers look too happy to me, which leads me to believe that this person is ignorant of the proper tipping etiquette. Third, the purple ink is just highlighting the bad tip.

We will now correct this douchebag’s douchiness.

Step 1: Move the decimal point one spot to the left. This number is 10% of the total bill.

$6.91 is 10%. Technically, it's $6.92, but you get the idea.

$6.91 is 10%. Technically, it’s $6.92, but you get the idea.

Step 2: Double that amount. Doubling the 10% will give you 20%!

All we're doing is doubling 10 percent, to find 20%

All we’re doing is doubling 10 percent, to find 20%

Here’s a hint: Round up to the highest round number to make life easier.  What I would do is round the bill up to $70.00, and take 20% of $70, to be $14.

So. Much. Easier. (and less douchey)

So. Much. Easier. (and less douchey) Move the decimal to the left, to give you $7.00, then double that. $14 is 20% of $70!

Yes, it’s that easy.  You’ve been pulling out your phone all these years for nothing.

To calculate a 15% tip, move the decimal point one place to the left to find 10%, just like above, then cut that number in half. This means you’re figuring what 5% of the total bill is. Add the 5% to the 10%, and you’ll have a 15% tip:

Calculating 15%

I rounded up to $70 to make life easier. You should be able to do this math in your head.  If you can’t, just practice.

If you’re more conservative with your money, NEVER leave less than 15%. I know you think you’re teaching the servers a lesson for leaving 10% or less when they have a “bad attitude,” but you’re only making yourself look like a douche.

When in doubt, always err on the side of classy, no matter how difficult. 15% for poor service is classy and therefore, will put you in the category of NOT being a douche. Plus, your 10% tip isn’t teaching someone with a poor attitude anything.  Feel grateful that you’re not the douchebag waiter and chalk up the extra dough. Because any waiter who treats you poorly is a douchebag himself.

Next Lesson: The Who, What, When, Where, and Why of Tipping

About these ads

One comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s