Month: September 2013

Lesson 3: Don’t Take Selfies…

…So Seriously!

photo-3

Ahhh Yesssssss, this is so much better than duck face!

Or better yet, just don’t take them at all, period.

I know, I know, that’s not very practical, given the, “Look at me, look how cool I am, look how awesome my life is while I’m taking this selfie” culture, so to remedy any potential confusion about how to NOT be a douchebag when taking a selfie, here is the cardinal selfie rule and lesson of the day:

Don’t take mirror pics!

Look how cool my jacket is! It's leather, btw.  Not sure if you noticed that or not. And you know, only really, really cool dudes wear leather. Nevermind that I bought this at H&M because I look super cool and tough.

Look how cool my jacket is! It’s leather, btw. Not sure if you noticed that or not. And you know, only really, really cool dudes wear leather. Nevermind that I bought this at H&M– I look super cool and tough. The girls won’t know the difference between me and Gosling.

If a girl is asks you to send them a picture, you have a few options that won’t leave you looking like this douche:

His face really does look like an angry bird

Hey girl.

1) Take a picture of something you’re doing.  She’ll stop asking for pictures and will start asking other questions like, Who are you with? What are you doing? Where is that?  The questions might be annoying but it saves you from looking like a douche. You don’t want that douchey picture floating around in the iphone cloud for God knows how long.

2) Take a selfie while making a weird face.

Thank you for not being douchebags

Thank you for not being douchebags

See? I know there are 3 people in this picture, so technically it’s not a selfie, but you get the idea.  See how they’re purposely looking ridiculous?  You will avoid looking like a douche if you purposely poke fun at yourself for taking a selfie.

3) Don’t do duckface. Like, ever.

4) If you’re both sexting and you HAVE to send some type of picture, DON’T put your face in the photo! You don’t want to end up on my blog when she makes it public domain!

5) If you’ve been taking selfies in mirrors since middle school, chances are, it’s too late for you, my friend.  You were raised on mirror douchebag selfies and you’re probably never going to change.  Therefore, if you MUST commit the mirror sin, do it like a champ:

Your Mona Lisa smirk, combined with total outright ridiculousness  saved you from being a douche. Congrats my friend.

Your Mona Lisa smirk, combined with total outright ridiculousness saved you from being a douche. Congrats.

 

HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT: There are exceptions to every rule. Can you think of some mirror selfie exceptions?

Lesson 2: Eating tasty food doesn’t make you a “foodie”- it makes you a fatty.

What’s more, posting everything you eat on instagram doesn’t make you a restaurant critic…it makes you a douche.

That brownie will look just as fattening when it's not in the spotlight on the floor

That brownie will look just as fattening when it’s not in the spotlight on the floor

Don’t get me wrong, I love some bacon. And during the bacon craze (also known as the brussel sprout era), I took pictures of pretty much anything related to bacon.  So what’s the difference between me and you, Mr. Douche? One thing, and this is the guideline for today’s lesson:

I genuinely loved food and anything that might be considered a “food snob” or “foodie” before everyone in the world jumped on that train. Yes, seriously. When i was 6 and asked to draw a picture of my favorite food, I drew a picture of an artichoke and a jar of capers, because I couldn’t decide which I liked better.  This is a true story- you can ask Ms. Eve, my 1st grade teacher.  I’m sure she thought about calling Child Protective Services for lack of pizza-eating.

So it boils down to this: If you have an appreciation for food that goes beyond taking pictures and eating whatever you want without regard for your heart, waistline, and overall health, you’re NOT a douche.

It also might help if you actually cook once in a while, too.

Burgers always look best in Valencia, dude. But low-fi really makes that ketchup look like something special. hmmm...decisions, decisions...

Burgers always look best in Valencia, dude. But low-fi really makes that ketchup look like something special. hmmm…decisions, decisions…

If a douche eats a charcuterie without instagramming, do those calories still count?

If a douche eats a charcuterie without instagramming, do those calories still count?

Just because you upload this doesn't mean it's not something 3rd graders are eating. In lunchrooms. Right now.

Just because you upload this doesn’t mean it’s something 3rd graders aren’t eating. In lunchrooms. Right now.

Lesson 1: Wear Clothes That Fit

If you’re a straight man, the only acceptable reason to wear clothes that are entirely too tight are:

1) Your day revolves around gym, tan, laundry.  And you only get that pass because of regional differences. New Jersey always gets a pass. They can’t help it.

2) You’re from Europe.

3) You’re some type of sports star

4) You’re poor and can’t afford new clothes.  But I’d better not catch you buying beer or cigarettes, because that $10 could go towards some decent jeans. Or sweatpants. Hell, anything is better than this:

If you're a straight man, please don't wear this.

If you’re a straight man, please don’t wear this.

Please, Please don't wear jeans this tight

Please, Please don’t wear jeans this tight

If I can see the outline of your junk, unless you are Ryan Gosling portraying a douchey hipster in a movie, please don't wear this.

If I can see the outline of your junk, unless you are Ryan Gosling portraying a douchey hipster in a movie, please don’t wear this.

Homework assignment: Have a, “Get rid of douchey pants” party with your friends. Drink beer (if you’re 21 or older, of course) and try on every pair of pants you own, and if you can’t sit or squat easily, bring them to goodwill for the hipsters to fight over. Be better than those pants.